i haven't been at my best lately. i didn't know that until you pointed it out. i'm trying to get on board with that but it wasn't easy stuff to hear about yourself. and i know you didn't mean it to do this to me, trust me. i don't hold that against you.
at least i hope?
i hope that you know that if i did know that i would have fixed it immediately. i know we've been around the bend enough times that you do, but just in case. i've not stopped thinking in hours. it keeps dissipating and then seeping its way back into my head, but i guess that's kind of what a slow drowning feels like. maybe my mental health is waterboarding me now? welcome to 2018.
i have you though, and i know that even if things are weird right now that's still true. that'll always be true.
i didn't think i'd be writing more today but here i am. things seemed...better. they really did. i don't know what went wrong and i'm not sure if i want to know. sometimes i think it's best if i just assume the worst but then never bring it up so that i still have that nugget of "well maybe it's nothing like that" in my head. i don't even know what i'm talking about at this point.
what i do know, and lord knows that's not much, is that i did what i always do and i panicked and made threats again. i know you see these as manipulation and i don't know, i mean, i get that, but that's not what's happening. at least it's not in my head. in my head what i'm doing is accepting a fate. you spoke earlier about wondering how much life this relationship had left and expecting the inevitable fallout that you always have. i do the same thing.
i don't expect it to have an expiration date because i think we're going the distance, but in those moments i do have that anxiety attack of "well this is it" and i try to shove you out before you do it to me. i'm not trying to get you to come back and tell me everything is good, to compliment me, to break it off for good, i'm just not in my right mind and the mindset that i am in tells me that's what you want from me so it's what i give you.
once my head gets put back on the right way i figure it out. i'm sorry you have to deal with that. i'm sorry that i continuously make excuses for myself and expect you to do the same. i'm a work in progress and you've been so patient with me but i should be moving quicker than this. i think that's why i always assume leaving would be doing you a favor, because i don't think you deserve this. i should be ahead of this over a year later and i'm just not.
because i guess i just don't sleep anymore
you didn't respond to my hissy fit and i don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. you said you loved me and that was it. i imagine you fell asleep, i don't care either way, but there's that anxious voice in the back of my mind telling me that you didn't acknowledge it because you're just sick and tired of dealing with me. i'm sick and tired of dealing with me too so i don't blame you. regardless i'm thankful that you did. i just want to recharge today and be better to you and for you and with you.
i don't know if i tell you this enough but i'm so fucking lucky and so fucking aware of that. i hope that i never make you feel taken for granted because trust me, i know exactly what you do for me. i know exactly how much that must take out of you. i'm going to repay you for everything.
i just want you to know that last night was so wonderful. you're so wonderful. i don't know how i could ever forget how wonderful it can be. i'm going to try not to again.
or something i think i lost my phone in the blankets
you said you might be getting sick again. i really hope you aren't sick, but if you are that it doesn't stick around for your birthday. i am glad i get to take care of you though. i really like getting to do that. i really like that you let me do that.
i hope that i take care of you in general though and not just rubbing your back and running you baths and getting you soup. i want to take care of the inside stuff too. i think i do. i'm afraid to ask, but i hope that if i didn't you'd tell me.
i'm trying to plan your birthday and i forgot how exciting this is. i love getting to celebrate you. i wish i could on this level every day but i guess that makes it less special on your actual day. maybe i should at least start beginning every day with a compliment or something. maybe that's lame? or extra? i mean i don't really care because i'm lame and extra.
i'm tossing so many ideas around. i already have your gifts but last year i took you to that bowie church so i can't just toss you a funko pop or two and a stupid journal that is probably going to be more annoying than anything. i don't even know if you want to read all of this or why i thought it was a good idea. i just know i've been sort of off the mark lately as far as expressing myself goes and thought maybe this would help?
what an understatement
good lord robert
i'll just always want to be better for you is the bottom line
we still look good
i think that it's important that you know i'd do absolutely anything for you. i'd kill for you. it's not even a question.
i heard something once that i think about a lot and that's that there are thousands of versions of you out in the universe. every single person has a version of you that exists in their head that is different than anyone else's version and it's none of your business what anybody else thinks of you because that's theirs. to some people i'm a harry potter fanatic because for the two months that they were part of my life i talked a lot about harry potter. that doesn't mean it's right but it means that's the version of me that exists to them because it's what they saw of me. that thought
helps me a lot. when i'm feeling not so great about myself and i need to just zen out, that's the thought i try to fill my mind with.
the thing is, i want your version of me to be the best version of me that exists out there.
this notebook is longer than i expected it to be and it might overwhelm you. i really hope that it doesn't. i also really hope that i didn't use the word i as much as i think i did. i want you to know that everything i'm writing is positive and happy. even when i talk about unpleasant things i hope that you know it's because i think talking about things and letting each other in strengthens us and that's all i ever want. that's positive to me. we've barely spoken six sentences today because we've both been so busy and somehow i had three pages worth of thoughts to fill when i sat down unsure of what i was even going to say at all.
you're easy to talk to like that. you're special to me for so many reasons but most of all because i can be me with you. i don't like me and i sometimes
think you don't like me but i do know you accept me. i don't know why you do, but you do. you're just really amazing, you know? you're just so fucking special garrett borns. just absolutely everything.
OH LOOK I LIED 4 PAGES
last night i had a mild breakdown while we started the first episode of mindhunter. i still don't really know what caused it because it certainly wasn't what you said about daily things being overwhelming. it just stirred something in me and the tears just came out. i asked you if you really thought it had been bad lately and you said no.
i don't know if this was a lie and i don't want to know, because if it was i know you said it because you knew it was what i needed to hear. i'm going to believe it regardless. and i don't mean this to say i think you'd lie to me. i just mean if you did i know it was that kind of lie that was to make things better. a necessary lie. and since i believe it wasn't one it doesn't even matter. the point is i think it worked.
i've been in such a weird depression place this week because of how hard and fast that morning was but since you said the word no i haven't felt sad
for a second. thank you for that. thank you for you. thank you for everthing you've given me. thank you for allowing me to be close enough to you to get to celebrate you every year, every day, every hour. you're so important; more important than i think you quite realize. i'm going to act like it every day forward.
i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you
i love you to death garrett borns